in another life i may be happy
by Anthy Dusky
Summary: a sad little squee fic...this one made laera cry. poor her. warning: squee is an adult cutter in this story. i understand thati'm covering sensitive subject matter here, so be warned. chapters 3&4 now up. chapter 5 now up and concluding this waste of time
1. standing hollow

in another life  
  
i own squee not.  
  
it is the habit of small children to see their parents-and all adults-as flawless, godlike creatures that can do no wrong. like dissociation, this habit is a brilliant coping mechanism, a way for children to stay sane. if they did not trust their parents wholeheartedly, they would surely break, like i did. and, following this line of thought, it is natural to assume that a child who is abused or neglected will blame themselves so that the adults in there lives are able to retain their godlike image. but, like dissociation, self-blame can become chronic, and what was once the only thing keeping the child sane now becomes what tears him apart as he grows older. indeed, it is a dangerous tightrope to tiptoe across. and yet people do it every day. like a boy i used to know-he lived next door to me. i wish i knew what had happened to him.  
  
chapter1: standing hollow  
  
what was once a cute and slightly paranoid boy was now a tall, pale, handsome young man with dark hair and beautiful eyes. he glanced over his back to make sure she wasn't watching, and then snatched a razor out of the medicine cabinet. "todd?" thankfully, jopie always made her presense known before she appeared, and the man thanked god for that. he hid the razor quickly and took up his toothbrush. "todd, is something wrong?" "oh.oh no. i'm just a little nervious, you know? the interview and all." jopie smiled sadly. she had been living with todd for about a year now, and yet they hadn't even mentioned marriage. "are you sure?" "ummm.yeah. everything's fine. i'll be up in a minute." jopie came into the bathroom and threw her arms around his neck. "todd?" "yes?" "i love you." "i.love you too." she really had no idea how hard it was for him to say that. she turned and left, her thin blonde hair brushing his cheek. he heard her feet on the stairs and turned away, again pulling out the razor. he was afraid, just now, afraid that she'd find out all his dark, dirty secrets. he was afraid she'd realize that he wasn't truly alive, that he was a walking corpse, a black hole that can never be safe or sane. he pitied her for being there, and putting up with his fears and night terrors and panic attacks; and he loved her dearly for being there, not packing up and leaving him. he wouldn't be able if blame her if she did. drawing in his breath and taking up his razor, todd stepped into the void. 


	2. good personbadperson

i still own squee not.  
  
no matter what you do.nobody likes to think that they're a bad person. "how old are you, todd?" "nine." "do you know why you're here?" "my guidance councilor thinks i have a problem." "what makes you think that?" "she thinks i'm suicidal. people always do when they find out." "find out what, todd?" "my secret."  
  
chapter 2: good person/bad person  
  
todd sat in the familiar waiting room, the soft prattle of the secretary on the phone disgusting for all it's emptiness. "oh, hello todd. do come in." dr. phillips ushered him into the office. as always, todd sat on the very edge of his seat. this always made him extremely nervous. most things did. "now, before we start, is there anything on your mind you want to talk about?" todd took in a deep breath. "well, i'm.i'm going to tell jopie about it." "about what?" "you know.everything. i think i love her, but i want her to find out about this before it's too late." "too late for what, todd?" "too late for her to leave." "now todd, this i don't understand. under normal circumstances a person would want to wait to tell her after it was too late to run away." "but i want her to be happy, even if it isn't with me. nothing hurts me more than the thought of trapping her with me, with an ever-degenerating 24 year old who can't remember anything much that happened before the age of 12. i want her to be happy." "i see." 


	3. tiny revolutions

"somewhere in the darkness/there's a light that i can't find/maybe it's too far away/or maybe i'm just blind." --3 doors down "when i'm gone"  
  
still own squee not.  
  
"as i sit here with nothing but memories and dead leaves, my fatigued brain searches through it's dark recesses for some meaning to what i've become, some cause for my strange problems. i feel nothing-the tainted cells of my brain seem to have lost control of what they can and cannot do. i guess i should be angry, or sad, about what he did and what she didn't do.but then, i wonder why. i loose things now. i wish i still had shmee."  
  
chapter 3: tiny revolutions  
  
todd blinked at his reflection. it was only as he heard rushed feet down the stairs that he realized he had cried out. he checked the lock on the door. "todd?" jopie's voice came nervously through the door, "what's wrong?" "nu-nothing," he replied. his hands were shaking and he felt dizzy. he sat on the edge of the tub and wondered to himself about jopie. how would she react if she knew? what would the full extent of his issues do to her loyalty? todd found himself unable to answer his questions as her tiny feet were heard assending the stairs. he closed his eyes and felt an overwhelming urge to cut and slice human tissue other than is own. he wanted vengeance for his pain, wanted to punishthose who were responsible before he descended completely into an abyss of his own creation. with a sigh he washed his face and went to bed.  
  
  
  
~a/n: er.this story is giving me a bit of trouble. i'm having a hard time getting my ideas out and coherent, and that's why the chapters are so freaking short. that's also why it takes so long for them to get out there. but bear with me, i'm trying. 


	4. coming clean

i sat up in bed. it was around two in the morning-i think. but what awoke me was the movement. i was getting used to todd's panic attacks and phobias, so the occasional night terror fazed me not. but tonight, there was something wrong. well, more wrong than usual. he was tossing and sweating. then, i realized that he had stopped breathing. of course i panicked and shook him awake. he's alright now-somehow we managed to console each other's horror, but i think that, for the rest of my life, i will carry that fragile image in some dark corner of my mind's eye.  
  
chapter 4: coming clean  
  
todd couldn't stop his hands from shaking. she would be home any minute now. he was going to tell her now. there was no stopping this. and there was ever so much to tell. with a shaking hand todd brushed the dark hair out of his eyes. his thoughts were dark and repetitive. he heard the dull noises of her key in the lock. "oh, hi todd?" she smiled. but then her eyebrows knitted. "what's the matter?" "umm.." now's your chance to back out, a voice whispered in his head. "jopie, there's something i need to talk to you about." he wouldn't meet her eyes. "what's the matter?" she repeated, her eyes widening. with a small "squee"-ish squeak, todd rolled up the sleeves of his sweater. 


	5. the sum of the past

i still own squee not-and this be the FINAL CHAPTER.  
  
chapter 5: the sum of the past  
  
an ominous wind blew up around the graveyard. darkly, and with a definitive sadness, a the tall boy crossed the grass and slowly moved through the gates. the church bell tolled six o'clock and clouds blew about overhead. "you know," the boy said, his gaze fixing on two headstones before him, "you certainly picked a very dramatic moment for your farewell. it's like you knew i was coming." silence. he seemed to be listening for something. "of course you would ignore me. you always have. you know, to an outsider all my troubles could be seen to stem from you. i wish i could just hate you and get on with my life. i've met a very nice girl, and i'm planning to ask her to marry me. she's great-she knows all my secrets, and she's still here. but there's one thing that gets in the way: you two. i'm very sorry i ruined your life, but damnit couldn't you have TRIED?!" for a moment the young man is silent and paused to compose himself. " i tired. but it was a little hard to be the son you wanted when you wouldn't tell me how. but that's the past. all part of a past i can barely remember. the present is so very dark. the future-that's uncertain as anything, but it's all i have now. i'm letting go of you-you're finally rid of your mistake." he rose from where he had been kneeling and glanced off ahead. "ah. storm clouds. mmmmyep, that's hopeful." he turned and strolled hastily towards the car. the wind blew up fervently and it started to rain. "are you okay, todd?" the jopie asked, taking his cold hand in hers. "not quite," he smiled weakly, "but i will be."  
  
a/n: okay, ignoring the plot difficulties, sensitive subject matter, and blatant, shameless foreshadowing, that wasn't so bad. from your end, however.anyway, there may be a sequel to this story someday. i just have to sort out where to take this one next. 


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